things work out . . . question mark

there comes a time when you just don't have any idea where your life is going.

it's a little frustrating, especially for list-y people who want to have everything figured out and every square in the planner filled months before any of it actually happens. what's so bad about wanting to plan ahead?

I thought that I wanted to be in Paris by May, but maybe that's not quite right just yet. but then if that's not right, then what is?

on the way home from work, I was telling my dad about all of my fears, which is quite a long list---trust me, this is only the beginning of it:
I don’t want to go alone
what if I don’t get along with the people in my group
what if I can’t speak the language
what if I’m spending six thousand dollars on something that I’m not supposed to do?

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I’m afraid.
but let's face it, I’m afraid regardless of if its a mission or a study abroad.

sometimes I forget that my dad was eighteen once too, and that he had to face all of these fears. sometimes I forget that I can learn the lessons through someone else and not have to figure everything out on my own.

he told me that he finally realized that he could be afraid or he could get over it.
he took a step back and remembered that every returned missionary he talked to said that it was one of the best things they'd ever done, regardless of if it was easier than they thought or harder than they could have ever imagined.
he saw that it all worked out.

and so he stopped being scared.

I guess I'm just letting my fear overrule my faith, but it's a little hard not to after trying to figure this out for three months. I mean, since when have decisions ever been easy on me, especially ones that could affect the whole course of my life??

that conversation with my dad really made me think. it's not like I'd regret giving the Lord eighteen months of my life. would I regret it if I didn't? maybe. probably.

but what about my fears and inadequacies and inability to talk to people and not being ready?

as my dad said,
everyone else survived.
everyone else loved it.
everyone else made it through,
even when it got tough.

so why not me?

I feel like there are a lot of closed doors right now, not just closed, but locked up tight. no matter how I try to peer through the key hole, I can't catch a glimpse of what's on the other side.
but my dad said that when doors start to close and decisions get difficult, he takes a step back, lives the way he knows he should, and then somehow things open up.
it may take a day, it may take a month, but somehow, things work out.

well, I better make sure I'm living right because I definitely need some doors to open.
and in case you couldn't tell, I have one of the best dads in the world.