survive or thrive

it's like this.

sometimes I feel like I have this whole huge waterfall inside of me wanting to come out, like I just want to pour my whole soul out on the page. but the I sit down and the raging torrent slows to a drizzle and then a trickle, until soon it's no more than a dry creek bed, dry like the desert. but the ocean is a desert with it's life under ground so how do I find the life I've been looking for?

and then I remember that life is busy, but hasn't it always been busy? and I look forward to that day when I can finally slow down and think, until I realize that it probably won't ever come because things keep going faster and faster and faster. can i go as fast as light? everything around me sure thinks it can.

but what about being happy? not the world kind of happy - that's just happy. but real happiness? that's what matters. and it's the people that matter not the things. and loving and giving and laughing and learning. and can you make yourself intelligent? cause i sure am trying hard but I feel like I'm running around in circles and hitting the same cement walls every time. and Jane Austen sure doesn't think so. why can't I just be Elizabeth? witty, sarcastic, but hey, she gets the boy. or Jane would be good too; to have your looks just automatically compensate for anything else. sure she is sensible and accomplished, but smart? that's up to personal interpretation. but Mary. Mary just kinda gets picked on. She tries so hard to learn and be intelligent, yet she is always shunted to the side, quietly laughed at by all the others.

Me?
I'm trying.
is it working?
I wish.

can you teach yourself to be intelligent?

have my cement barriers just pushed me down into a desert I didn't expect and now I just need to find my ocean with my real life underground? I think the point of life is to get a life, a real one. so where is it? is it found in all of the running and driving and homework and chores and work and exhaustion and standardized tests that I find myself wrapped up in?

"If you win the rat race, you're still a rat."

[I tried to find a nice quote or a picture that would sum up how I feel, but nothing quite fits my thoughts....no surprise. my mind is kind of like a tangled up ball of yarn that just kind of keeps turning and weaving all over the place with no beginning or end. so instead I chose a quote by Mr Darcy because he is oh-so-incredible.]

Oh Mr Darcy, where are you in real life? 

"All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough. It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of the azaleas, the sheen of the limestone on Fifth Avenue, the color of our kid's eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of live." - Anna Quindlen