it's called "I have an obsession with the stars."

sometimes, I look up at the stars and start to drown a little bit.
there is just something beautiful, something wonderful about them.
what would it be like to jump off the high dive and swim through the galaxies, sift the stars through my fingers, feel the planets move through my hair?

I think I love the stars because I love the One who created the stars. I think I love the stars because someday, I want to create them too.

I think I love the stars because they represent something new. well, not really new, because they've been around for thousands and millions and billions years, but new in the sense that they are always changing, being born and growing brighter and dying and then being born again.

you know, my life is changing a lot right now too. everything I thought I knew just ended, as fast as you could walk across a stage, which was almost faster than you could blink. it's as if twelve years of Sameness just walked out the door and I'm standing on the porch waving and crying and jumping up and down with excitement and tears are streaming down my face because I don't really want to say good bye, but at the same time I do because I'm ready for it. because this is what I've been preparing for. life. and now the time has come to actually live it and I'm not sure I'm ready but at the same time I am, because this is what I've been preparing for. you know, life.

I think I love the stars because they show me that there can still be light, even on the darkest night.

it seems like the world today is trying to smother out light: my light, your light, star light, Christ's light. but no matter how hard it tries, a lightbulb can't outshine every pinprick of light that shines in the velvety black canvas of night. and no matter how hard it tries, the world can't squish my little light, the one that is inside my heart, because even though it sometimes flickers, I promise you that I will never let it go out. it's the flame of truth. hope. confidence. testimony. and it's just going to keep on burning [Matthew 5:14-16].

I've learned something about myself lately, I mean, other than the fact that I love the stars and I think I should be a philologist when I "grow up" and that I'm not a huge fan of Nietzsche, even though he started out as a philologist. but anyway. I learned that I really love history, well duh, but that I really love family history. did you know that my eighth great-grandpa's name was Lars? and he had a son named Mogen Larsen who had a son named Lars Mogensen who had a son named Mogen Larsen who had a son named Lars Mogensen who had a son named Lars Larsen? I'm not even kidding. like, how cool is that? Lars lived in Herstedoster, Copenhagen, Denmark, but he joined the church, came to America, and five generations later, here I am.

"Does it make you wonder? Someday in the far future, when the Milky Way has turned another cosmic click, will someone carry a chair to your grave site and keep you company forever? Can you imagine someone loving you that much? Can I?" 

{one of my favorite books in the galaxy, Love, Stargirl}

does it make you wonder? maybe, when Lars was standing on the boat deck of the Minnesota watching his home disappear beneath the horizon, he too looked up and fell in love with the stars. maybe he found strength in the tiny pinpricks of light millions of miles away, because maybe he too found comfort in the thought of an all-knowing, all-powerful Being watching over him. so maybe, in a way, the stars are in my blood.

it makes me wonder. someday, after another cosmic click, will someone love me that much? will someone remember me, and how much I love books and rhetorical devices and logical fallacies and Kant, even though I don't really understand him, and Thoreau, even though I don't really understand him either, and bare feet and best friends and chocolate and words and hugs and stars? will someone lay a ribbon of the milky way at my grave, instead of a wreath of roses? will someone still care?

dear Lars. and Mogen. and Johanne. and Bodil. and Leonard. and Hannah. and William. and back and back and back. I do care. 

and I'll keep reading and learning and discovering and sharing, and maybe I'll find more stars that we can love together. and the best part is, we'll have eternity to do it :) and when we get to heaven, don't expect me to be floating on a cloud somewhere playing a lyre. oh no. I'll be dancing through the milky way, shaking stardust out my hair and sending comets spinning off my eyelashes.

HOORAY!

School is OUT! :) 

long live bare feet, good books, and sunshine

what I really want to say

you know, life is good. life is so good. 

I have all of these words that want to get out - things I want to tell you, feelings I want to share, and soap boxes I want to stand on. but I'll leave them for another day. 

because right now?

right now I'll tell you how much I love the world.

you know, sometimes the world is mean. sometimes it is even pretty cruel.

but then sometimes it can be kind of wonderful too. 

and sometimes I just want walk up to every single person on this planet and whisper in their ear "I love the world."

which is kind of another way of saying "I love you".

because when you stop and look around, there really is a lot to be grateful for. 

Special :)

This is my Special Needs Mutual class - aren't they just so cute? 

These awesome people are my Thursday nights, once a week, every week :) 

They are so great!

So funny, so happy, so special.

And  you know what? Having "special needs" isn't a bad thing. 

Because 

having EXTRA SPECIAL NEEDS 

really means

  having EXTRA SPECIAL FRIENDS :)

The Vetruviron Man

let us all take a moment and bask in the brilliance of this picture :)

GENIUS. pure genius. 

(please tell me you get it.)

we're stronger than we think

People killin', people dyin',

Children hurt and you hear them cryin'.

Can you practice what you preach?

And would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father help us,

Send some guidance from above.

'Cause people got me, got me questionin'

Where is the love?

Why does it take a tragedy to make us grateful for what we have?

That day terrified me. How could the world be so mean? Only the day before I had learned that a classmate had taken his own life, and now these bombs exploded into my life, shattering my little naive world into broken pieces of hope, love, and happiness. How could I survive in such a scary world? I didn't know that boy. I didn't know those three people that died from the bombs. I didn't even know any of the hundreds, maybe even thousands more who were wounded, both physically and emotionally. But they still changed me.

The first thing I did when I got home from school was run upstairs, find my 18 month old brother, and give him a giant bear hug. I didn't want forget what's really important, you know? He wrapped his little arms around my neck and hugged me back, even though he didn't know why I was so upset. His eyes sparkled and his baby-toothed grin reminded me that there is still love in this world, no matter what happens.

The bombs had not only shattered my little world, but they broke loose a floodgate of tears. I talked to my mom and cried and cried and cried. By the time the tears stopped and my mascara was in black streaks down my cheeks, my mom had calmed me down. She eased the pain and terror I felt, coaxing it back in behind the hastily patched walls at the heart of my little not-so-naive-anymore world to wait until the day when that little part of my heart gets too full again and spills out my eyes.

Sometimes life gets cut short. And when it does, we do what we always do. We weep. We hug. We bond together to give whatever support is needed to buoy up the broken hearts of the nation. And we live on.

We wipe our eyes, though the tears often insist on falling anyway. We square our shoulders and resolve to face each day with a stronger determination to truly live. We will live so that "our dead will not have died in vain." We will live so that their legacies will not be buried with them. We will live so that the world will know that together, we are strong.

Love is All You Need :)

Today has been one of the greatest days of my life :) 

There is no other way to put it; I just feel SO loved. 

It's amazing the things that people have done for me today

- I was "kidnapped" at 5:30 in the morning by my best-est friends of all time, starting off the day with nutella, crepes, and strawberries

- I got to be part of one of the best seminary assembly I have ever been to (and I have been to a lot)

- my friends sang me multiple renditions of "Happy Birthday" all throughout the day

- my Mom gave me a "go-go squeeze" applesauce packet for lunch today - basically that means "I love you" in Ashley-language :) AND she gave me 10 more as one of my presents...haha I guess that is why I am feeling so filled with love today :)

- my friends gave me three plastic cats (I mean, now that I am so old, it is time to start my career as a cat lady! They now reside on my window sill above my desk. If you have any name suggestions, let me know :) )

- practically a bazillion people wished me happy birthday today...ah, it is the best to be walking down the hall and all of a sudden someone calls to you "haaaaaaaappy birthday!" It seriously made my day every time :)

- I was given three of the funniest cards I have ever received today! Here is one of them (from Lewis)...

  haha I was laughing so hard! (my brothers always make fun of me for my teenage "slang" :) )

- one of my best-est-est friends gave me the best-est-est birthday present ever! Oh how I love the Eiffel Tower!

- my Mom made me some great food today :) Hawaiian haystacks with all the toppings, sweet potatoes, rolls, and best of all, German chocolate cake....delicious! 

- I got to go to Young Women tonight....wow, those girls and my leaders love me so much :) I can't even count how many times people told me happy birthday! A Beehive and I share birthdays (yes, we've been counting down for months!) and it has been so fun :) we basically had a mini party at our activity tonight, cake and all!

- I played outside with this little boy today :) he is basically the cutest kid on the planet! As soon as I say "outside?" he is practically tottering out the door as fast as he can! We play on the swings, the slide, the grass, the basketball court...he just loves being in the sunshine. And as a matter of fact, so do I! What a cute little goose :) (this is the only picture I could get of him...he moves so fast that all of his pictures turn out blurry! haha)

- my parents gave me the best gifts ever! How in the world did I come to be so blessed?!

- I got phone calls from my "little sister," my "buddy", and my college friends...seriously, they made my day! :)

- I received "happy birthdays" from all over the world! 

from Brazil....

to Sweden! 

Don't you see what I mean?

I am just SO loved :)

like, hooray for birthdays!

like, hooray for life! 

:)

oh, and I am officially allowed to feel ancient now! I mean, who wouldn't if they could a) buy things off of infomercials, b) get arrested, and c) rent port-a-potties? Let's be real :)