Cosmic Wonders

As a little kid, I thought I was invincible. 

I remember spending recess on the monkey bars, swinging my hands out as far as they could go to reach the next bar. 
I remember crouching on the starting line for the hundred-meter dash on field day, bouncing up and down from anticipation. 
I remember sitting next to my friends in art class, whispering quieter than a mouse because we were all deathly afraid of our teacher. 
Back then, if you asked me what I was going to be, I would have told you I wanted to be an astronaut, hands down. Looking back, I know that is kind of the typical answer for a first grader, but something about soaring through space among the stars and all the wonders of the galaxy was so intriguing to me. The vast expanse of nothing yet everything, the sense of adventure, the sheer wonder of the unknown drew me in.In reality, I knew I wouldn’t ever be an astronaut. 

Outside of my dreams, I am a little bit terrified of new adventures, and going into the unknown kind of scares me a little bit. 
Maybe I wanted to be an astronaut because I was different then, or maybe it was because in my dreams, I wanted to be someone more adventurous. 
But as I’ve grown up, I’ve realized life is an adventure. It’s a vast expanse of emptiness waiting to be filled by all of the memories and light and love that you choose to put into it.
I’m different than I once was; I’m not the same little girl who wanted to be an astronaut. But on a deeper level, maybe I am. Because in reality, aren’t we all just searching for our own adventures?

Looking back, I realize that my life’s adventures have always been controlled by my comfort zones. I’m a little bit timid, conscious of the vastness around me, often unsure whether to plunge my foot into the cosmic wonder or stay as an observer on the outside of life’s beautiful universe. But like I’ve said, I’m not the person that I once was.

In my sophomore year, I was stuck in black hole. Sure, I had friends, but when I was with them, I wasn’t really me. They were good girls, funny and cute and usually polite; they all laughed and talked to boys and thought they were cool. But me, I sat on the edge, watching and being silent and not really being me. Luckily though, the universe pulled me back in before I could get too far out of its reaches of wonder.
I found a group of juniors made up of the most amazing people. They found happiness in life – not the fake, fleeting happiness those other girls thought they had, but real joy, found in having adventures, being spontaneous, making new friends, being kind to others. That’s when I started to become me. 
While I didn’t stop looking through the world’s mirror of what a teenage girl should be, I certainly didn’t care as much. I went back to my little kid ideals, where everything is worthy of amazement, and happiness is an almost everyday occurrence.

In the universe, nothing is ever the same. It is always morphing. Growing, expanding, becoming even more intensely beautiful then you could have ever imagined. And just when you think that it couldn’t get any better, it does. 
The thing about life is that people grow up. They move on, their minds expand, they become more beautiful, whether or not the world can see that kind of beauty. 
My friends moved on. Most of them are graduated, taking their spirit of adventure to new people in new places who need it, just like I did. I’m sure they are out there changing lives. 

Me? I’m still here, but I’m not the same girl I once was. 
My comfort zones have expanded and my universe has grown. I’m not quite to the point of being able to dive into these cosmic wonders with both feet, but I’m realizing that it feels good. I can stand in it, watching the streams of color pass around me feet, the light shine through my skin, out my eyes, and into everything I see. I’m not who I once was.

Maybe someday I will be able to plunge of the world’s diving board into the universe of beauty. But that is an expanse that I can grow into, because you see, I’m not going to be this me forever. In five years, in three months, even in two days, I’m not going to be who I am now. And that’s the good thing about life – there is no limit to the wonder to be found. So even if I’m not wandering through the far reaches of outer space, I can still be wandering through the endless corridors of a wonderful life. Always changing, always growing, always becoming more me than ever before.

...

"Sing to me the song of the stars

of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again

when it feels like my dreams are so far

sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again."

{Only Hope}

best song ever :)

you know, I think I'm doing ok :)

anticipation is rough, and goodbyes are far from easy, but hopeless goodbyes are even worse.
we didn't say goodbye for three years - we didn't even say goodbye for two years.
we simply said goodbye, goodbye until tomorrow.
because tomorrow? I can handle that.
quantifying it into weeks, months, years? not so much.
but missionary work...nothing can top that, nothing at all :)
so now that the goodbyes are over, it's time to be excited :)
time to read about lives that are touched and hearts that change, whether it be his or some person I don't know. maybe if I get lucky, it might even be mine.

crazy.

loosing a best friend is hard, especially when they hold half of your heart in their hands. 

treat it well ok? even if you're 2,166 miles way. 

He's got the whole world in His hands

Today, President Monson announced that the missionary ages have been moved: boys can now go at 18 and girls can go at 19. Talk about a game changer! It is super exciting, but at the same time it has really thrown me for a loop. I’ve always loved missionary work, but I’ve never seriously considered myself going at age 21. I’ve always just thought that if I’m not married and I feel like I should go, then I will. If I don’t go, then I’m definitely planning on a temple/spouse mission. Now though? This change changes everything.
But you know what? I’ve realized something.

My life is not really my own. My life is in the hands of an all-powerful being who loves me and has a plan for me. And you know what else? He knows that plan way better than I do. He knows what I personally need to succeed, He knows my fears and my weaknesses, but He also knows my strengths. And somehow, He will guide me to the decision that is best for me.
If I am supposed to go on a mission? Then my response will be “I’ll go where you want me to go.” I will teach and change lives and spread the joy of the gospel and become a better person and learn and grow and share the love of the Savior.
If I’m not supposed to go on a mission? Then my response will still be “I’ll go where you want me to go.” I will still teach and change lives and spread the joy of the gospel and become a better person and learn and grow and share the love of the Savior, even if it is just in my little sphere of influence.
But regardless, it will be right for me. No matter what others think, that decision is between me and my Heavenly Father, and I can trust that it will be what I need to make this life the best it can be.